@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

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@Birdhumms

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

@c_always_wright

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

@Jake_Vig

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

ME: I feel like no one really pays attention to me.

911: And what was the make and model of the other car?

@nishadtrivedi

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

@jergarl

My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”

@KeetPotato

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

@whatbabytalk

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

@BucMarvin

I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!