*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
911: 911, what’s your emergency?
ME: I feel like no one really pays attention to me.
911: And what was the make and model of the other car?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–