Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.


Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

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[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]


95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it


damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay


If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering


[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.


[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it


I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.


Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly


The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.