@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

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@jake_lach

My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen

@AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@Laser_Cat

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

@pro_failure

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a