My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.