[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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Why am I like this?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I saw this ending much differently.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.