This kid will have a bright future.
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.