Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.


Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

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My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen


Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.


[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”


Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.


Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.


[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?


My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.


ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a