[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime