[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Who chose this font
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!