[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion