*rewinds tape with a pencil*

*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

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dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam


Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.


In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.


It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.


I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.


will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too


In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”


Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.