@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

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@Skoogeth

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@nonchalantnacho

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@porters

In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.