[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Jesus Christ lmao
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow