[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time
2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.