My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time
2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.
My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.