Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe