@MyNameIsArchaic

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

You Might Also Like

@TheFearBoners

When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.

@HughGoesThere

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

@Xoolun

I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.

@clichedout

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?