BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
yikes, unfollowing him now. i was a fan of his acting, i didn’t realize he was tricking his adopted daughter into marrying him so he could seize her and her siblings’ massive fortune after their parents died in a suspicious fire
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?