1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.