1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

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When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.


[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian



I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.


I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching


You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?