@MyNameIsArchaic

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

@a_simpl_man

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

@MartaEffing

My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@TheAlexNevil

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

@notviking

yikes, unfollowing him now. i was a fan of his acting, i didn’t realize he was tricking his adopted daughter into marrying him so he could seize her and her siblings’ massive fortune after their parents died in a suspicious fire

@DanMentos

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?