1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.