We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
J: Hard luck, kid
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.