somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
💻🤡
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.