@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

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@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@sploosk

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@1CleverClogs

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@daemonic3

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

@MissHavisham

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

@MaraWilson

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

@moooooog35

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.