I was bored.
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When I laugh on my period
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods