1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.