1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Kids: Stay in school.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.