1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?