1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no