1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

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Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens


Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.


When life tosses me a football, I’m the ref who’s not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face


Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.


The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties


I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”


Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading