@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

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@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@GothikRokkit

Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

@Sickayduh

When life tosses me a football, I’m the ref who’s not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face

@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@TheMichaelRock

I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading