Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
When life hands you
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with
Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.
-the local news
The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”
McCain: “Hold my alligator.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh