My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
You Might Also Like
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
This a good idea