@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

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@prufrockluvsong

Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend

@briangaar

I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old

@ibid78

When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@KindOfASmartass

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

@spekulation

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.