[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.