@iGreenMonk

1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.

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@OnlyFastEddie

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@AristotlesNZ

Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..

@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

@Home_Halfway

ME: Sure is nice to be fishing in the ocean today

*do do do do*

FRIEND: What was that?

ME: What was what?

*do do do do*

FRIEND: THAT

ME: Oh god

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: WE’RE SURROUNDED BY BABY SHARKS

ME: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: DO DO DO DO

ME: DO DO DO DO

@CloydRivers

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

@MattPostSaysHi

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

@ch000ch

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

@Shock_Monster

Frozen pizza recalled?

The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users:

Legalize pot, but take away their food.

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.