{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
You Might Also Like
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Not even remotely sorry.