Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
The biggest mystery of our time
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan