1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

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Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.


*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats


Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito


can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message


dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG


Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.