1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

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[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here


Me: You wanna have sex tonight?

GF: I’m not in the mood babe.

Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.


When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.


I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.


*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh


i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man


Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”


Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.