@radtoria

1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

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@david8hughes

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

@danorslim

Me: You wanna have sex tonight?

GF: I’m not in the mood babe.

Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@SentenceReduced

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

@Leave_the_candy

i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.