@david8hughes
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
@radtoria
1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
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@david8hughes
@danorslim
Me: You wanna have sex tonight?
GF: I’m not in the mood babe.
Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.
@JillianKarger
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
@papasuncle
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
@SentenceReduced
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
@shaztaberry
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
@tastefactory
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
@Leave_the_candy
i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man
@Fred_Delicious
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
@charstarlene
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.