1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
sigh
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
No, YOUR illiterate.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?