@andlikelaura

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

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@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@mommywhines

It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

@Browtweaten

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

@Home_Halfway

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁