1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Every time my phone rings
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
won’t smith
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Unexpected Judgment
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast