1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy


Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there


Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit


to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy


Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats


Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done


Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.