[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers