1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
You Might Also Like
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I finally found a reason to live again.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.