@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@Ideal_Victoria

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@UncleDuke1969

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@AndyAsAdjective

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk