@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

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@sophielou

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

@KSekouM

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@Instinctivetip

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@JustMeTurtle

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]