1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.


News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.


He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.


PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]


“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*


I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.


A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”


My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.


Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk