1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
they really do be looking like this
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows