1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.