Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I will never stop laughing at this
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
relationship goals
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now