@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

You Might Also Like

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@MsReyda

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@ArfMeasures

LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here

M: That’s so nice thanks!

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@TheBoydP

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.