I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club
ME: I thought this was Gullible Club
L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here
M: That’s so nice thanks!
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.