1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*