[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
You know…for fall…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]