[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Milk Cube
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.