[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.