*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?