*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.