Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes