@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

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@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@thenatewolf

Guard: what do you want for your last meal?

Me: anything?

Guard: anything

Me: the warden

Guard: oooooo he ain’t gonna like that…

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*

@PinkCamoTO

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

@Fab_Mommy_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

@Jn1fer

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”