@RobocopLust
A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.
@ArfMeasures
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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@RobocopLust
@atDevin
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
@thenatewolf
Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
Me: anything?
Guard: anything
Me: the warden
Guard: oooooo he ain’t gonna like that…
@GawdOffalTweets
Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
@cbdoubleu
*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
@PinkCamoTO
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
@Fab_Mommy_
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
@AbbieEvansXO
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
@Jn1fer
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
@jessokfine
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”