[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.


Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope


[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?


There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”


Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.


Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is