The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is