1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You Might Also Like
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater