[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I told my vodka about you.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Eat…
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.