[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Me, reading some of your tweets
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Pigeon open mic night.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Two types of dogs.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head