Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day