[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.


Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.


Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.


“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.


HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra


*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?


Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.


We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.

– the government


Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!


Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.