@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

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@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

@Remiel

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

@not_thenanny

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

@rockymomax

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

@TheMichaelRock

We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.

– the government

@ThugRaccoons

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.