Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Whoever wrote that “Imagine” song should be shot.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”