[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You Might Also Like
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: