[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay