[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins