[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect