[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
This is a sub tweet
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?