[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic