Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”