my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You Might Also Like
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.