I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014