I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
For anyone who needs this today
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.